I received the following question in the comments section of the article entitled “The Philosophy of Breaking Up” and I felt it deserved a more prominent and considered reply.

However, I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings in some aspects of love, so I would welcome your views, which I hope you will add to this thread. 

The Question: “Would it be an act of injustice for you to love someone who is already in love with someone else? Would it not be right to live up to the claim that you are in love with them by not caring that the person may be in love with another? Would justice not imply that if you love a person, you love them no matter what pain it brings?” 

 Editor’s Reply: When a question bears within it the seed of so much pain, I am loath to answer it lightly for fear of causing more distress.

First, thank you for raising such an important question. Attempting to discuss love is like walking into a mirror maze. Questions and answers bounce back and forth, opening an infinite number of perspectives and opinions.

Perhaps that’s why it has always been such an important topic in philosophy and for influential thinkers, past and present, famous or unknown. Parents and siblings, friends and strangers, our teachers and mentors, all have an opinion that they are keen to share. There is also great wisdom in this community and I welcome any ideas or suggestions from readers (which I hope you will add to the comments in this article).

Why do you Misunderstand Me?

Ambiguity in language is the source of humour and invention and the cause of many arguments. We can easily misinterpret a message or article when the words used mean one thing to one reader and something completely different to another and often something different again to the author as well. That’s why it is important to be very specific about the words you choose and the context you use them in. Even when you speak to yourself in thought, you influence yourself by the way you phrase your thoughts. Let me give you some examples from the question we are discussing.

Would it be an act of injustice for you to love someone who is already in love with someone else?

To understand this question, we need to first agree on the meaning of two concepts and then determine who the writer believes is the agent or the victim of the injustice. The concepts are:

What do you mean by “injustice”?

How do you define Love?

First, let’s define injustice. That should be easy. An injustice occurs when someone purposely acts in a way that causes another person to suffer hardship or loss undeservedly. The hurtful act could be a onetime event or occur many times over a long period, creating conditions of hardship or unhappiness for the victim.

Next, it is important to know who will experience the injustice. Does the questioner mean “is it an injustice to themselves” or to the person whom they love?

This is important to know because, if it is an injustice to themselves, then they have the choice, the power to decide not to pursue their love to the degree that it hurts them self. They could decide to walk away, as painful as that might be in the short term. Panaetius of Rhodes had plenty to say on this matter way back in 185 BCE as you will see below.

If the injustice is to the other person, then we should refer to Aristotle’s definition of love below, and weigh up how loving someone who loves another person conflicts with his definition of loving behaviour.

Would justice not imply that if you love a person, you love them no matter what pain it brings?

Once again, it is unclear who the writer is concerned about? The lack of clarity about who would experience the pain is crucial to my answer.

Is there such a thing as Romantic Justice?

Romantic justice is not a recognised legal term so there are no laws that specifically cover the way people should treat each other in a romantic relationship, other than laws regarding assault, for example. However, in philosophy or the social sciences, it has a place, and I think it is safe to assume that the question is being asked as a philosophical rather than a legal issue.

What is the difference between Legal Justice and Romantic Justice?

Legal justice aims to ensure fairness and equality for everyone in the community to which the law of the land applies. Governments make laws and have a legal system that includes courts, judges, prosecutors and defence lawyers and multiple police forces to enforce it.

Romantic justice is a philosophical concept that promotes fairness and equality between partners in a romantic relationship. While it has no force in the legal system, it has gained authority through hundreds of years of practice in society and has evolved over time, in a similar way to Common Law.  

In a romantic relationship, Justice is a concept that requires:

• Mutual respect,
• Equality,
• Honesty
• Respect for the Human Dignity of both partners,
• Communication,
• Empathy,
• Trust,
• Fairness,
• Boundaries,
• Transparency,
• Accountability,
• Forgiveness,

To get a full description of each of these traits, and a more detailed account of the differences between legal justice and romantic justice, download the free Justice for All pdf.

What is Love?

Defining Love is not so easy and therein lays another problem with answering your straightforward but deceptively difficult question.

Love is hard to define in precise terms because there are various types of love and different ways to experience it, and to express it.

Love can be an intense feeling of affection, connection, and attachment that one person feels towards another. It can include a range of emotions, such as joy, happiness, contentment, and even pain or sadness.

Romantic love often expresses itself through a sense of intimacy, trust, and vulnerability, plus a deep desire to be close to and connected with the loved one.

However, there are many forms of love besides romantic love, such as familial love, or platonic love, and we express it through various actions, such as caring, nurturing, supporting, and sacrificing for the well-being of the loved one/s.

There are also many negative forms of love that can cause harm and distress for individuals, but they are not real love. They include being;

• Overly possessive,
• Jealous,
• Abusive,
• Domineering,
• Obsessive love, which can lead to stalking or other harmful actions,
• Relying excessively on the other for emotional support, self-worth, and identity, often referred to as Co-dependent love,
• Controlling behaviour, this can involve emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, financial control, separation from friends and family, or threats of abandonment.

Aristotle defined love as “the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another”.

But Panaetius of Rhodes, the ancient Greek philosopher, urges us “not to pledge ourselves to an activity so violent and disturbing, one which makes us the slave of another and despicable to ourselves” (for example, loving someone who does not love you or who loves you and someone else). 

So if your love is Aristotelian, i.e. “the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” can this be an act that causes the person you love to suffer hardship or loss undeservedly?

I have highlighted the words “benevolent concern” in bold because that is the key to answering this question. Benevolent means kind, caring, compassionate, generous and benign, and we need to apply this rule to any relationship we value.

It is important to consider the feelings and circumstances of both parties involved in the relationship. If the person you love is already in a committed relationship, you pursuing a romantic relationship with them could cause pain and harm to them, their existing relationship, and to their partner. In these circumstances, acting on your feelings would be an act of injustice.

While developing feelings for someone is natural, and feels as though it is beyond our control, we can control our expression of it. If you accept the premise that love incorporates a benevolent concern for the good of the person you love, it is important to act with empathy, respect, and consideration for their well-being. This could involve acknowledging and accepting their existing relationship and choosing to maintain a respectful distance.

What’s the score if the person you love is married to you but loves someone else?

This is the question I most feared. Once again, the questioner has not specified if the person they love is married to them but loves someone else. Unfortunately, I know this one from firsthand experience.

The circumstances are even harder if the couple has children, because more people are affected.

With or without children, the impact of many variables such as family, religious, culture, ethnic, moral and ethical considerations and the quality of the relationship prior to this crisis makes this situation difficult to confront and, to resolve amicably and in a manner fair to all parties.

It is hard to consider everyone’s feelings and needs when you are hurting, but in the best interest of reaching an amicable solution, especially if you have children, you need to try hard to do this.

Some people seek counselling or mediation to understand the issues and the possibility of developing strategies for addressing it. If the reason the person drifted towards another for love was because of a lack of one or more of the qualities listed under romantic justice above, consciously working on these can help repair the relationship. But it may not. It may be too late, and you have to prepare yourself for that.

For there to be any resolution, it is important to understand the perspectives and feelings of both your partner and the person they love. You can only do that by having open and honest conversations with them. That will be difficult. It will hurt your pride and dent your ego. It will require forgiveness on both sides, mutual respect, empathy and all the other qualities listed above. Whether you can do it will depend on your desire to repair the relationship or as a Plan B, resolve to split-up amicably and over time repair the friendship. Plan C is a miserable disaster and not recommended.

We didn’t consider any of these options, but after avoiding each other for some years, we learned to be friends again. Partly for the sake of the kids and partly because the hurt dissipated over time. Today, I regard my ex-wife as one of my best friends and we are each other’s confidant, mainly because we know each other so well and now trust each other again.

Lao Tzu said “To love someone is to identify with them” and Michael Nova said “Love is not a feeling of happiness. Love is a willingness to sacrifice”. Both are true, but to reach the happy place that we have attained, you have to sacrifice the temptation for revenge, to feel you are the aggrieved one and to undermine the other partner in the eyes of the children. Mutual respect is the foundation for a return to happiness in your separate lives.

On a personal note to the writer of the question, only you know the full circumstances of the relationship you wrote about, so it is impossible for any of us to advise you categorically. I can only tell you that when I have a problem or need advice, I turn to my mentors, the great minds of philosophy and society who, through their writings, are always available to us. I hope that by reminding you of what some of these great thinkers have said on this subject along with my contribution, it will help you arrive at your own answer, which is probably the only relevant one.